Handwriting

   Greetings, earthlings, and welcome to the omnipotent AMPHIGRAPH!
   In case you weren't aware, today is National Handwriting Day in the U.S. The study of handwriting (graphology) isn't a terribly useful art for those of us who don't track down spies in our free time, since most of what you can figure out by looking at a person's handwriting is most likely something you'd know if you spent five minutes with them. However, this can be useful if your pen pal is from Botswana.

• Neat handwriting with round letters and no slant indicates that the subject is favored by their teacher.
• Small handwriting indicates a subject's keen attention to detail.
• Large handwriting indicates a subject's need for corrective lenses and/or blatant disregard for the planet's natural resources.
• Sharp and/or messy handwriting indicates a subject's desire to hurt you with a knife.
• If the subject dots his/her i's with hearts, they are most likely psychologically unstable and should be avoided at all costs.
• Round handwriting indicates openness.
• There are many handwriting indications that a subject is keeping secrets, such as letters that slant to the left, an excessively wide right margin, or illegible scribbles. If the subject refuses to participate in the study, they most likely exhibit one of these traits and should be taken in for psycho-analasys.

   Try this on your friends! Try it on your enemies! National Handwriting Day only comes once a year, you know.
   Thanks for reading, and stay tuned! Tomorrow, Compliment Day descends upon us!